Love Addiction & Love Avoidance (Opposites of the Same Coin)
A lot of people aren’t aware of this, but love addiction and love avoidance are opposite sides of the same coin. They are both intimacy disorders, and the healing process for them is the same. Why, you ask? Love addiction, similar to love avoidance, in itself is a defense mechanism or a trauma response that stops you from showing up as your whole self.
The difference between falling in love in a healthy way and in a love-addicted state
Healthy love is intoxicating and consuming, especially during the honeymoon period. The connection feels rich, and you can’t get enough of the person. Falling in love in a love-addicted state works the same way; you feel the all-consuming chemistry.
The difference, however, is that rich connections don’t die when you’re healthy or when you’re with a healthy partner. The connection enhances you. It highlights all of your strengths and all the things that make you glow. It enhances your confidence, and the person you’re with believes in you.
The Love Addiction Cycle
When you’re in a love-addicted relationship, you may still have all these great feelings, but there are a lot of self-doubts that come with that. After the honeymoon period, your partner starts to pull away, so you’re second-guessing your place in their life, which feeds your insecurities. Then, you get into the state of trying to figure out what’s wrong and how you can fix it so that things can go back to the way they were before.
That dysfunction doesn’t happen in healthy love because two healthy people own their parts and express their needs. When you’re in a love-addicted relationship, there’s a lot of guesswork. You’re always trying to figure out what’s on their mind and anticipating what they will do next.
This can also be categorized as the love addiction cycle, which typically follows a predictable pattern consisting of several stages.
Stage 1 - The Infatuation Stage
The first stage of the love addiction cycle is marked by intense infatuation. During this phase, the individual becomes obsessed with the object of their affection.
Stage 2 - The Craving Stage
As the infatuation stage progresses, the love addict begins to crave more attention and validation from their partner. This craving is driven by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a desperate need to feel loved and valued.
Stage 3 - The Obsession Stage
In the obsession stage, the love addict's thoughts and actions become consumed by their partner. They may become preoccupied with monitoring their partner's behavior, checking social media accounts, and constantly worrying about the status of the relationship
Stage 4 - The Desperation Stage
As the relationship begins to falter under the weight of the love addict's obsession, the desperation stage sets in. The love addict may go to great lengths to maintain the relationship, even if it is unhealthy or toxic
Stage 5 - The Withdrawal Stage
Inevitably, the relationship may reach a breaking point, leading to the withdrawal stage. If the partner decides to end the relationship, the love addict experiences intense emotional pain, akin to withdrawal symptoms experienced by substance addicts. This can include feelings of depression, anxiety, and emptiness. The individual may struggle to cope with the loss, often seeking out another relationship to fill the void and repeating the cycle all over again.
Stage 6 - The Relapse Stage
Without proper intervention and support, the love addict is likely to relapse into the cycle. They may enter a new relationship with the same unhealthy patterns, perpetuating the cycle of love addiction. The relapse stage is often marked by a return to the infatuation stage with a new partner, starting the cycle anew
Learn more in our Love Addiction Library
Why Love Addicts Are Avoidant
Love addiction is a defense mechanism because it allows you to focus so much on the other person and on the relationship instead of focusing on yourself. It’s a fantasy that when a love-addicted relationship works, everything will be alright and you won’t have to look at yourself. You think you don’t have to work on your self-worth because you got your partner to stay.
Love avoidants in the same realm create a defense mechanism by persistently putting up walls to avoid being emotionally overwhelmed and intruded upon by other people. Their goal is to maintain distance and avoid vulnerability.
It’s so much easier to focus on how to make somebody else happy when you don’t know how to make yourself happy. If you’ve been a chameleon all your life and adapted to whatever people told you to be, it feeds into your codependence instead of standing on your ground, saying no, and figuring out what you want.
So now you grew up as a woman who just adapted to whatever people wanted you to be. But when you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner will take their time to know you, your likes and dislikes, and your boundaries. A healthy relationship involves having an opinion and voicing it without fear that you’ll rock the boat and lose the person and the relationship.
Your biggest hurdle as a love addict is learning how to be in a relationship with yourself. Even if you’re staying all day alone with yourself, that doesn’t necessarily equate to knowing and loving yourself.
Relationships are absolutely a reflection of where you are with your self-value. That’s not to be confused with whether or not we control other people. We can’t control whether or not someone’s a jerk or an asshole. That’s not your focus of control; what’s in your focus of control is whether or not you allow that person to be interested in the sanctity of your heart, your space, and your inner circle.
Healing Love Addiction
Breaking free from the love addiction cycle is challenging but entirely possible with the right approach and support.
The first step is learning to know and love yourself. Be curious about yourself. Explore your emotions and interests just as you do with other people. When you know yourself, you’ll be able to set stronger boundaries and show up as you truly are.
People who are aligned with your values, interests, and personalities can connect with you so that you no longer have to question whether or not the chemistry will run out.
Secondly, seek professional help. Love addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional intervention. As a former therapist, I know exactly how to help women pinpoint the exact root of their relationships and self-love mindblocks.
However, as a coach, I can give direct, specific, and practical next steps to help every woman get out of her stuckness and take the right next steps for to break the cycle of relationships that go nowhere and codependence that keeps her stuck. Let me hold you accountable with private coaching.
And lastly, focus on setting healthy boundaries, self-care and building a support system. A key component of recovery is developing a strong sense of self-love and self-worth. This involves prioritizing one's own needs and well-being, rather than relying on a partner for validation and approval.
Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, can be powerful tools in managing the emotional highs and lows associated with love addiction. Recovery from love addiction is not something that can be achieved in isolation. Building a strong support system of friends, family, and professionals is vital in maintaining progress and preventing relapse.